the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
