Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
