What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
