My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
They took my balls.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
