There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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