we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
