I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
