i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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