Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
