What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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