If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
