I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
