im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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