I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
