it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
