Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
