I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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