Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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