3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I can't put those talents on a resume
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
