What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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