he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
