Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
