i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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