I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
