I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
