you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
