if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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