On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
