The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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