apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
