I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
