Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
