I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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