mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
