My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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