I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
