I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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