I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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