I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
