Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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