I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
