You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
