I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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