I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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