took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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