While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
