It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
