The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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