You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
