Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
