i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
